Tuesday, March 1, 2011

How to explain your scars

Approximately every other month, every two months, someone posts on FORCE about how to explain all of this when you're dating.  When do you tell, I think is the biggest question for everyone who is single and high risk.  I think surgery or no surgery, anyone with scars faces the question even more.

So when do you tell?

My breasts have always been a large part of my identity, my transformation to womanhood, how I see myself.  Therefore, to me, my biopsy scar is extremely noticeable.  Granted, it's tiny in size, but in typical form, is raised, and definitely noticeable.  So do you say something in advance of the observation or wait and cross your fingers?  I dont' know.  How do you explain it when you do choose to?  What do you say?

And I don't even have to answer that yet LOL.  But I do know my biopsy has changed my social slash dating life.  How much would it change if I were BRCA positive and had more than a biopsy?  How different would my choices be if I hadn't had an biopsy or gone through all of this.  I guess we'll never know.


  1. I'm not in exactly the same shoes as you since I was with my partner for many years before I had a piece of my breast removed. But I do know that as I contemplate my next surgery and deciding if I'm going to get reconstruction or not, my partner is ok with whatever I decide I can live with. I think that is the key. If your comfort level is high, whomever you are with will follow suit (unless they're an ass). If you're freaked out, chances are they will be too. Back when I was in the dating pool, I faced a similar situation with my diabetes. When do I tell someone? If we were going to be together for any length of time, they were going to notice or at the very least, think I had a drug problem with all the needles! I found it best to just let the discovery occur naturally and then explain it. And only tell them what you feel comfortable with. Things can unfold later.

  2. I've wondered this myself. I'm not single, but I have thought about what it would mean to me as my scar is quite long. Plus there is the discoloration from radiation, not to mention the little blue tattoos. I think every situation is different, but I would say something for sure before anyone got nekkid. If someone is gonna freak out about my scars, or my cancer history in general, I'd want to know before I got too far into the relationship. Some people just can't handle it. And you know, that's okay. I'd just want to know up front.