Sunday, September 12, 2010

The wait on my chest

I am not good at "doing nothing."  Don't get me wrong, I'm great at vegging out on a Sunday afternoon, TV in the background, laptop on my lap (ahem), snack food an arms reach away.  But I'm your classic, textbook definition of a Type A personality, or as Wikipedia puts it: an impatient, time conscious, controlling, concerned about their status, highly competitive, ambitious, business like, aggressive "stress junkie."

And now I feel like my whole life is a waiting game; and I'm not very good at waiting.  First, I waited until I was 30 for my first mammogram, then I waited for the results, then I waited to meet the NP, now I'm waiting to meet with a geneticist.  After that, I'll wait 4-6 weeks for my results.  If my results are positive (awful word for it since it really means something negative) then I'll wait the appropriate amount of time (5 minutes enough?) and make my prevention decision.  If my results are negative, then I'll wait for my MRI, and it's results thereafter, wait until I have my mammo 6 months after that.  Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

I feel like I'm just waiting to get cancer, like cancer is the finish line and I'm somewhere on the course without a map. I need a "you are here" dot like on the mall maps so I can stop waiting. I need answers, results, action. I need to stop waiting.  I want to start doing.

Mainly, I feel like I'm waiting for people to get it.  The support boards are great and have offered me so much direction and insight for what happens after, but I am actively trying to find something, someone for now.  I'm waiting for someone to come along and not question what I am doing, but ask questions about what I am doing.  I am waiting to talk to someone who doesn't imply that I'm handling this all wrong.  I'm waiting for a conversation with someone who gets that this is a big deal and why it's the weight on my chest right now. 

I'm waiting, always waiting.

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